We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
