Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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