there's paper in my vomit.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
