Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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