i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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