He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
