i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
