i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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