I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
