and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
