I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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