my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
