I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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