I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
