and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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