when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize