She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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