...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
