Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was like eating out sand paper
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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