The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
