my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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