I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this boner is exhausting
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
