One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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