There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
