is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
