Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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