i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
