Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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