does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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