Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
