i permit you to call me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
