So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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