I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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