i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
