i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
