If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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