omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
