I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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