I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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