I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
