I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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