So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
