Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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