You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
