you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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