I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
