Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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