dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize