My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
