My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
