My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
