I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize