The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize