Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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