Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
