So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You left your phone here
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