My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
