My friends, they love my intelligence
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
