I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize