I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
