I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
