Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
