Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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