I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
