theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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