Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
