What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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